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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Miserable Sunday morning no-fishing blues. Withdrawal symptoms - reeling-in movements of both hands - fixed spool & multiplier. How to stave off depression? Think of a few jokes........

Plenty of jokes about sex and golf come to mind, but none (even coarse) about fishing. Is this a symptom of a serious malaise?:huh:
 

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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. After makind love, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called." she says speaking in a cheery voice.

"Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrific...

Great!...

Thanks...

Okay...

Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Here's some fishy ones for you...

Why is a swordfish's nose 11 inches long?
If it were 12 inches long it would be a foot!

Which fish performs operations ?
A Sturgeon.

What's a sea serpent's favouritest meal?
Fish and ships.

Where do fish wash ?
In a river basin.

How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop it a line...

What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?
Ray.

Which side of a fish has the most scales?
The outside, silly.

What's the best way to post a fish?
You send it C.O.D. ... or first bass mail...

What do you use to cut the ocean?
A seasaw.

What kind of a fish does your parrot sit on?
A perch.

Why should you use six hooks on your fishing line?
eFISHancy!

What is a knight's favourite fish?
A swordfish.

Which fish is best to have in a boat?
A sailfish.

How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?
Skates.

Now, if they aren't enough to send you rushing for your rod (just to escape the pain), I don't know what is!

Love Pants. :wiggle:
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I'm unconvinced. The lover one's just substituted fishing trip for round of golf - my after dinner joke record lists that as first heard in 1968, but it's just as funny now.

Y-phrunts' are about fish - not fishing. I try to avoid one-liners. As a boat fisher, I always try to have two lines on the go!

Cheering up a bit, so keep trying. There must be an exclusively fishing joke out there somewhere, and I mean joke, not joker!:crazy:
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
How's this:

Two morons rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.

2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

Or is that a joke about boating?

Do you know what helps me when I feel rubbish? I eat chocolate or turkey (not the country). Raises the serotonin levels, you see.

When I've done that, I simply feel Pants. :roll1: It's great!

What would make you feel great? (I think I might regret asking, but I have anyway)
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Y-phrunts...

What makes me feel great?

A couple of apéritifs (Ricard) followed by
Foie Gras with a glass or two of Château Margaux 2001 followed by

A fillet of freshly caught (by me) grilse or char with sautées potatoes, or a freshly caught (by me) gilthead bream suffed with rice, shrimps and red & green peppers & onions, accompanied by a Pouilly Fumé 2003

Followed by some Roquefort or Dolcelatte on plain crackers with another glass or two of Margaux followed by

a lightly chilled half Gallia (rock) melon with tawny port followed by a digestif of armagnac and a cigar.

You did ask.
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I did! Cos I wanted to know. And now I do. Thank you.:sun:

The best advice I can give you is this:

get thesen down Asda and get some crackers for all that funny stuff you like (I don't know where you get all that funny stuff, but once you've got it, hey presto! Crackers are waiting!).

I hope that cheers you up a bit too.

Love Pants. :wiggle:
 

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Y-phrunts...

What makes me feel great?

A couple of apéritifs (Ricard) followed by
Foie Gras with a glass or two of Château Margaux 2001 followed by

A fillet of freshly caught (by me) grilse or char with sautées potatoes, or a freshly caught (by me) gilthead bream suffed with rice, shrimps and red & green peppers & onions, accompanied by a Pouilly Fumé 2003

Followed by some Roquefort or Dolcelatte on plain crackers with another glass or two of Margaux followed by

a lightly chilled half Gallia (rock) melon with tawny port followed by a digestif of armagnac and a cigar.

You did ask.
and 12 gout pills. :roll1:
 

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A man was surf fishing along the beach when he found a bottle. He looked around but didn't see anyone so he opened it

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii and fish along the beautiful beaches of Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that really is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don't. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie thought for a while and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
 

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One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.

Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!"

Bob then replies " It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years."
 

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A taxidermist was driving through Swansea when he though he would stop at a local bar and have a beer.The locals didn't like outsiders in their bar and when he entered he was greeted with dirty stares and low mumbles.

He went to the bartender and ask for a beer.The bartender looked the man over and than went to get his beer. When the bartender returned with his beer he asked the man "what do you do?"

The man replied "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender replied "Taxidermist? what is that."

The man replied "Well,I mount animals,birds,and fish."

With that said the bartender turned to the other men in the bar and said "It's ok boys he's one of us".
 

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A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."

"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."

"Well, what about anal sex?"

"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."

"There is always oral sex."

"Nope, she has pyorrhea."

"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"

"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
 

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A pastor, a priest and a rabbi were out for a day of fishing. After getting into the boat they had just pulled away from the dock when the rabbi said stop the boat I forgot the coffee, the pastor who was driving the boat said I will turn around and take you back to the dock and the rabbi said oh no need I will be right back. The rabbi quickly jumped out of the boat and ran across the water to shore and then to his car to fetch the coffee and then ran back across the water and got back in the boat. Well the pastor not wanting to be shown up by the rabbi said oh my I forgot the sandwiches and quickly jumped out of the boat to attempt running across the water like the rabbi but instead sank quickly to the bottom of the lake. With that the priest looked angrily at the rabbi and said you should have shown him where the rocks were.
 

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what's the 2 fastest things in the water........

.......a motorpike and a sidecarp.


why are beaches always wet.........

.........because the sea weed.

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating off out to sea.........

..........bob


who terrorises all the small fish.........

.........billy the squid
 
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thanks, all. Remember Karen Carpenter's "Rainy days & Sundays"?

You've proved that they don't have to get you down. The sun is now shining here; Too bright for fishing. Damnation!
 

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When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

Quote Alcorpage:

"A couple of apéritifs (Ricard) followed by
Foie Gras with a glass or two of Château Margaux 2001 followed by

A fillet of freshly caught (by me) grilse or char with sautées potatoes, or a freshly caught (by me) gilthead bream suffed with rice, shrimps and red & green peppers & onions, accompanied by a Pouilly Fumé 2003

Followed by some Roquefort or Dolcelatte on plain crackers with another glass or two of Margaux followed by

a lightly chilled half Gallia (rock) melon with tawny port followed by a digestif of armagnac and a cigar"

Why spoil all that good booze with fancy foods?:huh: Surely a packet of cheese and onion crisps followed by salted peanuts would do just as well.:bye1:
 

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Miserable Sunday morning no-fishing blues. Withdrawal symptoms - reeling-in movements of both hands - fixed spool & multiplier. How to stave off depression? Think of a few jokes........

Plenty of jokes about sex and golf come to mind, but none (even coarse) about fishing. Is this a symptom of a serious malaise?:huh:
Looks like a local trip after trout this week. So much for getting more cod and pollack. Wish this weather would settle.
 
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